I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
