u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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