Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
