Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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