There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
