why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
