shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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