Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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