Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
