I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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