I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm like, not good at living.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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