I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
