Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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