i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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I need you to use more vowels.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize