I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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