U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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