If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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