Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
