My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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