Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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