this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
