Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
