I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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