She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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