How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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