The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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