Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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