you guys were way drunker than both of me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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