Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
