i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
