I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
