My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
vagina is talking i cant
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
