My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I looked at my own cervix.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
