I could make wine with my vomit
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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