i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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