cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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