fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Operation Purity has been aborted
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
