I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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