i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
