I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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