Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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