Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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