So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
