I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
