So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
