you turned your livingroom into a bong?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
