I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
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we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.