The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy