So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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