what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
