Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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