i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
