So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
