Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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