My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
