Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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