Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
