i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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