I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
