A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
