Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
