Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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