he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
