Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
